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While navigating this thing called abstinence in the 21st century, folks have come up against several struggles. We are getting married later and going through puberty earlier. Therefore, our mamas "waiting" isn’t the same as our waiting today. Because let's face it, to get married at the age some of them got married would be a crime now. Additionally, if we take a deep dive into the realities of our society, we will find that declaring “I’m horny” is more socially acceptable than “I’m lonely”. The former is very often met with high fives, “I know that’s right’s” and straight-faced stares accompanied by a resounding “bruh”! The latter, however, is at times accompanied by judgment and/or pity surrounding where that person falls on a scale from 1 to needy.



Now, this is not to say folks don’t just crave sex. Because, HELLO!! Sex! Sexual arousal is real. Sexual desire is natural. Humans have hormones that make you want to "feel good on the inside". However, how one categorizes the object of their affection is often a telltale sign of the root of that yearning. One of the unknown realities of being abstinent is the need for root cause analyses of the "struggle".


Here's an activity:

1. Think of the object of your affection (real or imagined).

2. Feel all the feels that accompany that thought.

3. Ask yourself one simple question: Do I want them inside me or beside me? (Want to be inside them or beside them?)



Now, before you come for me, know that I know that there is much more to it than that, because ummm, I do this! However, the fact remains, a desire to have something to do on a Saturday is different from wanting someone to come home to (or having someone come home to you). Both of which are different from wanting to have sex.


#QTNA, Am I horny? Am I bored? Am I lonely? Longing and desire for a romantic relationship, for marriage, for being chosen (🗣PUBLICLY) is often conflated with longing and desire of an erotic nature. If these desires are acted on, it is imperative to discern the nature of the driving force. The human brain is so powerful that we can create physical coping mechanisms. Yes, that means we have the power to redirect the pang of loneliness to tingly loins. Because erections are easier and heartache is just tew much.


Whether married now or not, being able to rightly divide these feelings is crucial. The core of true intimacy is authenticity. The weight of settling and pretending is the difference between what you want and what you are willing to take. I can guarantee you that it's too heavy. Can you imagine laying on the altar petitioning God for forgiveness for something you didn't want to do in the first place? Tuh!


Now I don't know who this if for, but you should not ask for intercourse if you really want entertainment, and you should not accept being a booty call if you really want a #Bae. The bottom line is if loneliness is the problem, then an orgasm is not the solution.


                Understanding Intimacy: A Believer's Guide

Standards and realistic & expressed expectations should be non-negotiable. Happy, healthy relationships that are rooted in Intimacy have them and are clearly and freely expressed, equitably negotiated and mutually adhered to.


Want to read more about relationship authenticity, expectations, stewardship and mutuality?

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Understanding Intimacy: A Believer's Guide is a 30-page full-color reflective e-guide that provides readers with a faith-based foundation necessary to begin creating, maintaining and/or restoring intimacy.


Topics covered:

❤️Defining Intimacy

❤️Biggest Intimacy Myths

❤️Debunking Intimacy Myths

❤️Intimacy in the Bible

❤️Emotional Intimacy

❤️Intellectual Intimacy

❤️Sex

❤️Biggest Intimacy Barrier

Sexual authenticity is showing up as your truest sexual self. When sex is intimate (and I'm specifying because sometimes it’s not), there is a high degree of mutuality of pleasure and positive experience, or at least it should be.


One aspect of being sexually authentic is not “faking it”. Faking an orgasm or "hooting and hollering" unnecessarily (as my mom used to say) is sometimes done to protect or stroke a person's ego (pun intended). I've even heard people say they pretend in this way to speed up the process. When faking it, or pretending, there is often no connection to actual pleasure.


Guess who this serves? Not! A! Soul! Least of all you. This disingenuous behavior is actually counterproductive. The false reward, if you will, of pretend pleasure only reinforces the less than desirable behavior. The one who is receiving this counterfeit praise, is robbed of the accountability necessary to improve as a sexual counterpart. Moreover, the one providing it, is serving as their own pleasure pirate.


Now, faking it is not to be confused with showing up in a more distinct way for your spouse or putting on a show. To identify the key difference between the two, ask yourself, "Am I performing or am I pretending?"

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Let’s take moaning for example. Now, there are times during sex when a moan will slip out without your control. But, in my opinion, most moaning is performative. However, not all moaning is fake. That may sound like a contradiction, but follow me for a second. Sounding off during sex is sometimes done for the sole purpose of pleasing your spouse. This can in turn create pleasure for you. It can nicely contribute to shifting the atmosphere from act to experience. Breathing in a bit more deeply, exhaling more demonstratively with a strategically placed pause, or even that go to bottom lip bite with the low and slow moan, can all be intentional. Yet, for some (or most if you ask me), they are performances (albeit pleasure-centered) nonetheless. There is nothing wrong with this.


Pretending is the problem. One of biggest contributors to sexual fraudulence is porn. Unfortunately, porn has ruined moaning for some people. Porn has really ruined sex period for some people, but we'll get into that another time. The acting in most porn films is either a turn off or the genesis of unrealistic expectations. Which ever the case, moaning (authentically & purposefully) has become a lost art.

Overall, pleasure isn’t just a response to touch. It can involve stimuli from a certain look, taste, smell or even sound. As I said previously, it's experiential not just about the specific activity.


When you are in tune to your partner, something like moaning can be done because you know they enjoy it.  It’s separate from faking it because, it’s an audible expression of what you are genuinely feeling, just slightly more pronounced. It is an external expression of your knowledge of your partners sexual interest. It's an intentional contribution to their pleasure. When you think about it, you are sharing with your partner by bringing what's inside, out.


Creating experiences in your sexual engagement is a key component of a satisfying sex life, as opposed to simply satisfactory sexual activity. Details like this is what separates truly knowing from just being familiar with your spouse sexually. Acting on your spouse's pleasure sources is one of the keys to creating and maintaining sexual intimacy.

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Interested in learning more about fostering all types of intimacy in your relationship? I have just the thing for you! I know right, I am just as excited! I wrote an Intimacy Guide and it releases on my birthday 1/14/2020.


Understanding Intimacy: A Believer's Guide is a 30-page full-color reflective e-guide provides readers with a faith-based foundation necessary to begin creating, maintaining and/or restoring intimacy. 

Topics covered:

Defining Intimacy

Biggest Intimacy Myths

Debunking Intimacy Myths

Intimacy in the Bible

Emotional Intimacy

Intellectual Intimacy

Sexual Intimacy

Biggest Intimacy Barrier


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