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Lights, Camera, Action: Performing or Pretending?

Sexual authenticity is showing up as your truest sexual self. When sex is intimate (and I'm specifying because sometimes it’s not), there is a high degree of mutuality of pleasure and positive experience, or at least it should be.

One aspect of being sexually authentic is not “faking it”. Faking an orgasm or "hooting and hollering" unnecessarily (as my mom used to say) is sometimes done to protect or stroke a person's ego (pun intended). I've even heard people say they pretend in this way to speed up the process. When faking it, or pretending, there is often no connection to actual pleasure.

Guess who this serves? Not! A! Soul! Least of all you. This disingenuous behavior is actually counterproductive. The false reward, if you will, of pretend pleasure only reinforces the less than desirable behavior. The one who is receiving this counterfeit praise, is robbed of the accountability necessary to improve as a sexual counterpart. Moreover, the one providing it, is serving as their own pleasure pirate.

Now, faking it is not to be confused with showing up in a more distinct way for your spouse or putting on a show. To identify the key difference between the two, ask yourself, "Am I performing or am I pretending?"


Let’s take moaning for example. Now, there are times during sex when a moan will slip out without your control. But, in my opinion, most moaning is performative. However, not all moaning is fake. That may sound like a contradiction, but follow me for a second. Sounding off during sex is sometimes done for the sole purpose of pleasing your spouse. This can in turn create pleasure for you. It can nicely contribute to shifting the atmosphere from act to experience. Breathing in a bit more deeply, exhaling more demonstratively with a strategically placed pause, or even that go to bottom lip bite with the low and slow moan, can all be intentional. Yet, for some (or most if you ask me), they are performances (albeit pleasure-centered) nonetheless. There is nothing wrong with this.

Pretending is the problem. One of biggest contributors to sexual fraudulence is porn. Unfortunately, porn has ruined moaning for some people. Porn has really ruined sex period for some people, but we'll get into that another time. The acting in most porn films is either a turn off or the genesis of unrealistic expectations. Which ever the case, moaning (authentically & purposefully) has become a lost art.

Overall, pleasure isn’t just a response to touch. It can involve stimuli from a certain look, taste, smell or even sound. As I said previously, it's experiential not just about the specific activity.

When you are in tune to your partner, something like moaning can be done because you know they enjoy it.  It’s separate from faking it because, it’s an audible expression of what you are genuinely feeling, just slightly more pronounced. It is an external expression of your knowledge of your partners sexual interest. It's an intentional contribution to their pleasure. When you think about it, you are sharing with your partner by bringing what's inside, out.

Creating experiences in your sexual engagement is a key component of a satisfying sex life, as opposed to simply satisfactory sexual activity. Details like this is what separates truly knowing from just being familiar with your spouse sexually. Acting on your spouse's pleasure sources is one of the keys to creating and maintaining sexual intimacy.


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Topics covered:

Defining Intimacy

Biggest Intimacy Myths

Debunking Intimacy Myths

Intimacy in the Bible

Emotional Intimacy

Intellectual Intimacy

Sexual Intimacy

Biggest Intimacy Barrier

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