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Inside You or Beside You: Deciphering Horniness from Loneliness

While navigating this thing called abstinence in the 21st century, folks have come up against several struggles. We are getting married later and going through puberty earlier. Therefore, our mamas "waiting" isn’t the same as our waiting today. Because let's face it, to get married at the age some of them got married would be a crime now. Additionally, if we take a deep dive into the realities of our society, we will find that declaring “I’m horny” is more socially acceptable than “I’m lonely”. The former is very often met with high fives, “I know that’s right’s” and straight-faced stares accompanied by a resounding “bruh”! The latter, however, is at times accompanied by judgment and/or pity surrounding where that person falls on a scale from 1 to needy.



Now, this is not to say folks don’t just crave sex. Because, HELLO!! Sex! Sexual arousal is real. Sexual desire is natural. Humans have hormones that make you want to "feel good on the inside". However, how one categorizes the object of their affection is often a telltale sign of the root of that yearning. One of the unknown realities of being abstinent is the need for root cause analyses of the "struggle".


Here's an activity:

1. Think of the object of your affection (real or imagined).

2. Feel all the feels that accompany that thought.

3. Ask yourself one simple question: Do I want them inside me or beside me? (Want to be inside them or beside them?)



Now, before you come for me, know that I know that there is much more to it than that, because ummm, I do this! However, the fact remains, a desire to have something to do on a Saturday is different from wanting someone to come home to (or having someone come home to you). Both of which are different from wanting to have sex.


#QTNA, Am I horny? Am I bored? Am I lonely? Longing and desire for a romantic relationship, for marriage, for being chosen (🗣PUBLICLY) is often conflated with longing and desire of an erotic nature. If these desires are acted on, it is imperative to discern the nature of the driving force. The human brain is so powerful that we can create physical coping mechanisms. Yes, that means we have the power to redirect the pang of loneliness to tingly loins. Because erections are easier and heartache is just tew much.


Whether married now or not, being able to rightly divide these feelings is crucial. The core of true intimacy is authenticity. The weight of settling and pretending is the difference between what you want and what you are willing to take. I can guarantee you that it's too heavy. Can you imagine laying on the altar petitioning God for forgiveness for something you didn't want to do in the first place? Tuh!


Now I don't know who this if for, but you should not ask for intercourse if you really want entertainment, and you should not accept being a booty call if you really want a #Bae. The bottom line is if loneliness is the problem, then an orgasm is not the solution.


                Understanding Intimacy: A Believer's Guide

Standards and realistic & expressed expectations should be non-negotiable. Happy, healthy relationships that are rooted in Intimacy have them and are clearly and freely expressed, equitably negotiated and mutually adhered to.


Want to read more about relationship authenticity, expectations, stewardship and mutuality?

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Understanding Intimacy: A Believer's Guide is a 30-page full-color reflective e-guide that provides readers with a faith-based foundation necessary to begin creating, maintaining and/or restoring intimacy.


Topics covered:

❤️Defining Intimacy

❤️Biggest Intimacy Myths

❤️Debunking Intimacy Myths

❤️Intimacy in the Bible

❤️Emotional Intimacy

❤️Intellectual Intimacy

❤️Sex

❤️Biggest Intimacy Barrier

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